Final Admission

Brendas legs became so large due to the oedema that she could no longer walk unaided. She was readmitted to the hospital for what turned out to be the final time. The staff tried to make Brenda comfortable. Sadly it took her own teams a number of days to actually visit her or for us to try and get some answers. Brenda eventually had a visit from a senior doctor in the oncology team who we hadn’t actually met before as he wasn’t part of Brendas team.  He sat with Brenda and told her that all treatments were being withdrawn and there was nothing further they could do. Brenda was alone with the doctor at the time. On my return to the hospital, Brenda informed me of the terrible news. The doctor had asked her if there was anything she would she wanted and Brenda asked him to please continue with treatment. For a moment, I thought Brenda was mixed up and confused…surely they wouldn’t have informed her of this without my presence? When she assured me it was true, I went to the ward office and spoke with one of the research assistants. He confirmed that the senior doctor had in fact spoken to Brenda, but no confirmation was given to me that treatment was being withdrawn. The research assistant told me that Brenda had a very serious chest infection near her heart and they were attempting to treat it with antibiotics. Somehow, days passed and I finally received a phone call – her own professor apologised to me for not being able to visit Brenda himself. I made myself a hypocrite that day and thanked him for everything he had done. I only done so because Brenda had asked me to pass on her thanks to her team.  She was always polite, but deep down she felt she had been failed and that nobody in her team was fighting for her life. She had fought so hard for so long but finally accepted that the end was near.

On the fourth day after admission, Brenda finally received a visit from her professor and one of the breast care nurses. The nurse was tearfully upset on seeing Brenda. The professor apologised to Brenda for not being able to see her sooner and asked Brenda if she had any questions for him. Brenda squeezed my hand tightly, took a deep breath and asked “how long do I have left?”. The professor advised Brenda that she had approximately two weeks left to live. This news took our breaths away. It was so much worse than we anticipated. We knew things were bad but we never prepared for Brendas death being within a couple of weeks of treatment being withdrawn.

I then queried with the professor if the anti biotics were helping to clear the chest infection. The professor stated that he didn’t think Brenda had a chest infection but stated it was doing no harm giving the anti biotics. In hindsight, I should have questioned this further at the time. Why was I told previously by the assistant that Brenda had an infection near her heart? If it wasn’t an infection, what was it? But I was in shock at the news we had just received regarding Brendas end of life and wasn’t thinking clearly. Could it be that they didn’t think it was significant, because she was dying anyway? We still deserved honesty and transparency.

 Brenda and I spoke quietly together when I was at her bedside. She told me softly she was ready and was no longer scared of death. She was exhausted from fighting the disease for so long. She said she was scared for me and our grown children. She made me promise that I wouldn’t wreck my life after she leaves this world. I promised her I wouldn’t and I will strive to keep that promise for the rest of my days.